Thursday, 7 January 2010

All and Nothing

When I started this blog, I truly believed I was the luckiest woman alive, and in many ways I still do. I have the most wonderful partner, the most gorgeous son, I have friends I will keep forever. Every morning when I get up, I should get to my knees and give thanks to some god, any god, for even one of these things, because I know I'm incredibly lucky.

But when you believe your life is full and complete, you become complacent and you take even the tiniest of things for granted, let alone the big things. Snowballing for instance. I know the weather is dreadful for some of you and if you're struggling with it, forgive me. The sheer joy of walking with your child in the snow and having an impromptu snowball fight, when you wish above all you had a better aim, and were a smaller target. You take for granted the fact one day you're surely going to run a marathon or write the great British novel. And when you dream about these things, it never occurs to you something might stop you, because why would you?

Other things too. If ever you stopped to think, would you take even the most basic of imaginings for granted? Do you assume you'll live to a ripe old age and become a terrific old pain in the ass to your children which they will surely deserve? Is it just me who is so deluded she imagines nothing will ever get in the way of the apple pie, rose covered cottage future which is surely on its way? Because isn't that how it's supposed to be?

How completely and utterly nonsensical.

Life isn't a storybook, and it doesn't look like an advert for luxury chocolates. Life is what you make of it, and sometimes it's nasty and dirty and it makes you cry. Sometimes you try really hard and you don't get what you want, sometimes you try really hard and nobody gets what they want. Sometimes you're selfish, and sometimes you're selfless and sometimes you're angry and sometimes you're hateful and jealous and bad-tempered and sometimes you're kind and caring and sometimes you're all of those in one day because it's the person you are.

And sometimes you're frightened, really frightened, because you've been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and it's suddenly hit you that you can't take things for granted any more.

Or maybe that's just me.


  1. I have missed you, and now I know why, but that hasn't cheered me up at all. If you need internet support from bloggy acquaintancees, there's probably a few of us here. I'll be thinking of you, and wishing you well.

  2. What an absolutely beautifully written post. And how true. And how I nodded along with you. And how sad I am to hear that news. Like Lola - there are plenty of us in the blog world who will be happy to give 'virtual' support... or lets meet for that drink sometime this year. Thinking of you xxx

  3. Beautiful post. I am so sorry. It's not fair when people who are already full of gratitude still get those wake up calls. I'll join your blog world support team if you decide to meet up!

    Just a thought: You still have it all, you just have it differently now. (hugs)

  4. I'm so sorry. If you need to, use your blog to let off steam and rant about it and you'll find a wealth of bloggers willing to support you, myself included.

  5. Lola, thank you, you're going to be sick of me.

    Alice, my angel, thank you.

    IBHH, thank you, and you're right.

    WM - you might be sorry you said that!

  6. I'm sorry this is happening to you. My best friend was diagnosed 5 years ago this month, support is everything. We laugh a lot, we cry some too.


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